Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines, A Day for Hearts

Valentines.....a day that, for most, is full of dinners out, roses, and chocolate, holds a much different meaning for me.  February is "heart month", a time to raise awareness for heart disease and defects.  Congenital Heart Defects are the number #1 cause of childhood birth-defect-related death. My sweet nephew, Corbin, was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome among other heart defects. He was with us for two precious years before the Lord wrapped him in His arms and took him home, where Corbin is fully healed.

When Valentines roles around, I think about hearts, physical and spiritual. Corbin is one of the single greatest influences to ever impact my life. I learned more about my God (and love, and trust, and goodness, and sovereignty, and peace, and so much more!) in the tear- and joy-filled two years Corbin was with us than any other two years of my life. As I often say, "You don't appreciate what you think you deserve."  We didn't "deserve" this precious little one, much less for two years, and his partial heart made sure we never EVER forgot that.  I was often tempted to think it wasn't "fair" that our Corbin was born with this heart defect, whereas thousands of babies with perfect hearts are aborted every day.  But what isn't "fair" is that we had any time at all with Corbin.  Half a heart is not compatible with life on this earth, except for the hand of God sustaining his every breath.  That kind of tender love, care, mercy from the all-powerful God....that's what's not "fair"!  Every minute we had with him was a blessing that we didn't deserve.

Corbin and I have this in common.  I also have a "heart condition" that's not compatible with life -- it's my sinful depravity.  And yet, going completely against what's "fair" and deserved, God chose demonstrate his love and grace to me by sacrificing His son so that I could be redeemed, my heart repaired and made whole.  "...It was my sin that held Him there, until it was accomplished, His dying breath has brought me LIFE, I know that it is finished..."

I pray that I always remember that I don't deserve God, love, redemption, grace.....but it's mine.


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During the time that Corbin was in the hospital, having his surgeries, etc. I kept friends and family updated with regular emails regarding Corbin's medical condition, how our family was doing, and specific prayer requests.  As I spent much time caring for my nephews (Corbin's three older brothers), these updates were often some of the only quiet time I had with just me and God to wrestle over my circumstances and struggle to find truth in the midst of oceans of fear and pain.  They  were often merely outpourings of my own mind and heart as I worked from anger to thankfulness, fear to peace, entitlement to grace.  This is one of those updates, written two weeks after Corbin's memorial service:

Dear Friends,

Beginning when the boys first came to stay with us at the beginning of April, Gunnar, Aiden and Brodie had talked about the party they wanted to have when Corbin came home.  We'd come across decorations in a store or they would eat a food that they really liked, and tell us all about how they had to have this or do that at Corbin's party.  And in case there was any doubt, they would check at random times during the days they were with us -- "We can have a party when Corbin gets home, right?"  That Thursday morning when we received the news that Corbin had gone to be with Jesus, one of my first thoughts was, "The party!  How do I tell a three, five, and seven year-old that instead of a party for their baby brother, they're going to be attending a funeral?"

Two weeks ago on Monday, July 3rd, those three little boys and several hundred family members and friends, each who had been touched in some way by our little Keebie, gathered for the "party" that would celebrate Corbin's homecoming.  This was not the party we would have had, and yet "His ways are not our ways" (Isaiah 55:8).  This homecoming took him forever away from surgeries, feeding tubes, and meds to the eternal arms of our Savior.  The service was beautifully done and we were blessed by the many that attended.  The church lobby held a beautiful display of many pictures of Corbin and his favorite toys.  The service began with worship, followed by testimonies, a dear friend singing Sara Groves' "He's Always Been Faithful", and concluding with pastoral comments and prayer.  Following the graveside service, we returned to the church for a reception.  What a privilege it was to hear so many testimonies of lives eternally effected by God through Corbin's twenty-three months on earth.  God is glorified.

One of the things that impacted me as I sat in the service was the realization that there are those enduring similar trials without the hope of the Gospel.  I can see how that small, white casket could be so horrifying to one who's soul isn't quieted with the knowledge that death has been conquered.  Or the sense of abandonment at the burial, apart from the comfort that your loved one is "absent from the body and present with the Lord".  I was reminded of Luke 16 and the imminency of death for all of us -- what urgency this evokes to share the hope of the Gospel.

How are we doing?  God never promises that we won't pass through times of trial or that they will be easy.  In fact, the opposite is true -- He promises that we will encounter trials, but He also promises that they will not consume us.  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (Isaiah 43:2)  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8)  Indeed, we walk through a fire and are hard pressed on every side, but choosing by grace to put our faith in the One who has always been faithful.  It is an inexplicable feeling to stand on this side of this trial and be able to say with complete confidence the same words -- God is still here, still good, and still faithful.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

We all find ourselves somewhat precariously positioned emotionally.  The little things (grocery stores, cellophane paper [a favorite of Corbin's!], Purell hand sanitizer, encountering a friend who spent time with us in the hospital, push-toys, sending the high chair to The Salvation Army, etc. etc. etc.) can make the tears flow.  But this grief is a reminder that death is not welcome in this world -- this is not the way God intended it, and how anxiously we look forward to a day when death will be no more.  Please, PLEASE don't take this as reason not to speak of Corbin.  Please don't refrain from sharing your funny stories, delicate moments, fond memories, and testimonies of how God's grace came to you through Corbin for fear of "upsetting" us.  While I cannot assure you that these conversations won't evoke tears, I can assure you that he is never far from the front of our minds, and we are infinitely blessed to know that his life here is remembered.  As we see it, the good Lord gave us a precious gift in Corbin for twenty-three months!  We wouldn't trade that time for anything.  That he was taken from us sooner than we would have chosen doesn't change the fact that our lives have been forever blessed by the time we had with him and for that we rejoice.  So, please, don't be hesitant to offer us the opportunity to share joy and grief, laughter and tears with you.

In the words of George Mueller,
The Lord was good, and did good, in giving Corbin to us.
The Lord was good and did good, in so long leaving Corbin with us.
The Lord was good and did good, in taking Corbin from us.

Corbin would be two years old on the 20th of July.  We covet your prayers especially on this day, as it will no-doubt be especially challenging for us.  Though I don't plan to continue writing with any frequency, I will likely write again at Corbin's birthday.

Blessed be the name of the Lord,

Lattany

Friday, February 11, 2011

Your Story

People should know that their scars are their story board, that's their platform to speak from, that's their ministry. It doesn’t take a stage, it doesn’t take a t-shirt, and it doesn’t take a book -- it’s just life. It’s just being available, being willing to be transparent and vulnerable with the people around you. That's where your story gets to make a difference -- where we get to rescue and be rescued, to love and learn to be loved.
[Renee Yohe]

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

You Are Mine

But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
   I will bring your children from the east
   and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
   and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
   and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
   whom I created for my glory,
   whom I formed and made.”  [Isaiah 43]


We've all heard (about a thousand times :)) the message with all the statistics about the galaxies and stars.  It attempts to convey to our limited minds just how vast the universe is in comparison to how small we are, and that God created all of it with His hands, yet cares for us.  Important truths, for sure.  However, this line of thinking has never really reached me quite as much as others.

That up there?  One of my favorite passages in all of scripture, for sure. To me, this passage is equally as astonishing and awe-inspiring as realizing that I am 1/4350980238th of a speck of dust in comparison to the size of the universe.  To think that the God who created that vast universe calls me "His" inspires a sense of awe that I can't even put words to.  I often say that we don't appreciate what we think we deserve, and I think that's true.  But the opposite side of this statement is that we most appreciate what we feel we least deserve.  For myself?  Worthless, torn, ugly, disgraceful, disgusting, filthy, unlovable, failure, without hope -- this and more is how I see myself.  I wouldn't want to claim as "mine" something with these characteristics!  Why should God?

And here's the part that inspires me to awe and worship -- He shouldn't.  He absolutely shouldn't, but the Truth is that He does because He tells us He does.  ...because you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you...  I can spend all day coming up with lots of reasons why this shouldn't be true, or at least not for me (it's true for other people! :)), but honestly?  It's not mine to decide.  I don't have to understand why He would love me, I just have to know that I don't belong to myself, I belong to Him.  He is the one who bought me at a price. (1 Cor 6:20) He determines my worth.  He has said that, "I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life" and, most of all, He's the one who gave His son for me personally, by name.  To redeem me.

Created.  Formed.  Valued.  Held.  Protected.  Daughter.  Loved.  Redeemed.